Questioning Everything

Another historical post, written 14th December 2014.

I’m questioning a lot of things these days.

Not surprising seeing as last year [2013] I realized that my mother has been lying to me. Mothers shouldn’t lie and add to that I distinctly recall her teaching me about the importance of honesty and sincerity.

I have a plaque that my son (with help from Dad) bought me last Christmas. It says: MUM is love, warmth and comfort….the SPECIAL person in our life that is always there for us, SHARING our ups and downs and filling us with hope and joy. That’s what mothers are supposed to be like, right? Though I know I certainly don’t measure up to that 100% (can anyone?!), I do desire to be the best mother I can be to my children. I endeavour to keep learning and growing so that even while I’m not the perfect mother, I can become an ever better one.

And so, to discover (with proof!) that my mother has been lying to me all my life…that hurt. That her lies kept me from a meaningful relationship with my birth father for 35 years is gutting, heartbreaking, emotionally stressful, betrayal of an excruciating sort….is it any wonder that a year on I’m still questioning?

What in my life is real? What of my past is truth and what is fiction? The foundation of my internal beliefs – about the world, God, life, death – is it rock solid, or based on fairy tales?

I have a feeling that there are others out there asking similar questions. Some of you will be encouraged in this, but others may be in environments where questioning is discouraged, or even punished. I know from being raised in churches, that questioning one’s faith is considered dangerous or even backsliding! I don’t care! I’ve come to realize that questioning is healthy, and necessary for growth!

I have a hunger to learn and grow so I’m going to keep questioning!

~~

Back to 2015 and I’ve managed to unravel a fair amount of my beginnings. I’ve found a wonderful relationship with my Dad and have moved halfway around the world to live close to him. I’m still keen to process my past more fully and so I’ll likely be writing more of my back story. My spiritual journey seems interlinked with the unravelling of my past. When I think back over the past two years I’m rather excited by the enormity of the discoveries I’ve made and the difference they’ve had in my life. Yay for growth!

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4 thoughts on “Questioning Everything

  1. You know what?

    Moms are not perfect, but I believe they do the best they know how. I know that’s what you and i are trying to do and I believe that’s what our Moms did, no matter what we think of it. But we don’t do it perfectly.

    I was upset with my Mom for quite some time because of things that happened in the past. I judged her harshly, I think. That’s what I have come to believe, at least.

    When I think about how my children may judge me, it is a scary matter. They did not live what I lived and can’t know why I did the things I did or, didn’t do certain things, or why I said the things I said. I’m not even sure I could make them understand if they asked and I told them.

    Just some thoughts that came up when I read your post. I don’t mean to be critical.

    I’m glad you are opening up and questioning things ❤

    Ann

    Like

    • EJ says:

      No worries, Ann. It’s been a long journey having to come to grips with what my Mum has done, but I can honestly say that while I cannot condone what she did I do feel compassion for her. What must her life have been like to cause her to make the decisions she did?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wonder…..

        I often want to talk to my Mom about things, but she is bedridden and cannot communicate very well. When I visited her, I discovered from her diaries that my brother asked me to read that she felt ignored by me, by my lack of communication, and it hurt her deeply, I did not know. I cried.

        All I could do at that point was just lay with her and talk to her and tell her I loved her and ask her forgiveness for my own neglect over the years. I believe she heard me.

        Like

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